One of the most important and least remembered things I said in the previous issue was that most of what I learned during my Freshman Year at Bryan was not taught me in the classroom. So, it is time for me to remind you of that statement, and to recite for you the essence of what would be my final exam if those lessons were found in my books.
A good bonfire has to start with a spark. From there, it burns tinder and small sticks which start to form a bed of hot ash, and then slightly bigger sticks that fall onto the ash and form a heat-yielding coal bed. During this entire process, there must be a good supply of air moving over the fire.
From here, the heat that the coal bed emits up onto the bigger logs and into the air around them allows the fire to burn cleanly and evenly. And the more perfect the fire, the less smoke gets in your eyes. And as long as the air flows and the bed of coals stays hot, the fire will burn with all of its might.
A good friendship starts in an instant. That one thing two people have in common, or something that draws them together for a moment. Then, it takes the form of little conversations, or sharing a lunch break, or giving the other a ride to the store. Soon, these little moments become longer ones; a trip to a concert, watching a movie, or having dinner with one another. All of this is fueled by kindness, and by love.
Now many of you may react a bit strongly to the word “love” spoken so soon, but it is quite true. Love is behind the choice to be kind, to treat people in the way that God would have you treat them, and the way you would have them treat you, That is the embodiment of Godly love.
Friendships build themselves from here. As long as the foundation of love and kindness remains, there is no limit to the power of love that exhibits itself through such a friendship.
As I said, I’d like to talk now about the things that I’ve learned in interacting with people, as well as through my own struggles with overcoming feelings of isolation, and of being alone in a crowded room.
Lesson I: The Value Of Self
One of the most self-detrimental instincts in people who instinctively consider the needs and interests of others is to ignore and downplay their own needs. This can manifest in a multitude of ways, but they generally boil down to the person trying to hide or choosing to ignore their problems and struggles so that they are not a burden or inconvenience to other people.
Another result of this habit, however, is the tendency to believe that any desire to have one’s personal needs met and fulfilled is selfish, and therefore inherently bad. In truth, however, the desire to be treated with love, care, and attention is perfectly natural and not evil. We are created to be loved and ministered to. This is the reason why God has commanded us to be this for others, and the very reason why such a person, who regularly serves those needs in others, feels called to do so.
Remember that as a human being, made in God’s Image and created for community, you also need every act of love and service that you would so willingly do for others.
Lesson II: Knowing Your Friends
College is a dangerous place to make friends.
Most of the “friend groups” in college are bound together by having a class, sport, or other activity in common. Most of the friendships that I have observed in college are contextual or situational. As soon as the context changes or the situation ends, those friends and friend groups start to separate, some faster and some more slowly.
There are many good friendships in college as well, but many of those either started before college or started with people who knew each other in some way before college. In fact, out of all the people I’ve met this year, I can count on one hand the number of friendships I have seen develop among them this year that showed all the signs of a genuine friendship rather than a close acquaintance.
So what’s the difference?
Your Friends are not the people that you hang out with all the time
Yes, friends generally spend a lot of time together, but this is not the key feature of a genuine friendship. Something I learned from talking to, observing, and experiencing my own interactions and relationships with people was that friendship is deeper than who you spend your time with.
In fact, a good indicator that a friendship is deeper than surface level is having a friend who thinks of you when you aren’t right in front of them. And many of you know how good it feels to get that little text, call, note, or knock on the door from that one friend who took a moment out of their day and made it yours.
And no, it is by no means wrong to be happy about this, or even to wish for it to happen. Just as much as you would do it for a friend you cared about, you deserve and need to be treated the same way.
Friends will generally want to spend time together, so while this is not an exclusive characteristic of friendship, it is a sign of a good one.
Your Friends are not the people who say they’ll be there for you
Yes, friends will be there as much as they can when you need them. But the people who say “I’m here whenever you need me” or anything of that nature are not necessarily true friends. Similarly, the people who listen when you need to talk are not automatically your friends either.
At Bryan, there are various types of people, but collectively they are pretty nice people, and very few of them will display themselves as outright jerks. The same rule applies to many people in general. So any of these people will sit down and listen to your troubles, or will do a favor for you. But that does not automatically make them friends, it simply makes them nice people.
And of course, such things as this are good sparks to a lasting friendship, but one must always be careful what they share with people they don’t truly trust. I lost many secrets, and many more personal things, to the wrong people because they were there to listen to me but had no personal interest in my well-being beyond a very general sense.
Your truest friends won’t be so quick to say that they’ll be there for you. You’ll just look back one day and be washed with a feeling of gratitude as you remember that they have been right there by your side, time and time again.
And just like before, it is perfectly natural and understandable to want your closest friends to be there for you.
Lesson III: Friends Are Royalty
One of the best ways to make friends, as well as to build a strong network of people who are just acquaintances, is to invest in them. Many people, particularly in college, say hi to each other as they pass near each other, sit by each other in class or at lunch, and speak for a few moments to each other when their paths otherwise cross. Often, these encounters take place in groups and offer no individual interaction or interpersonal growth.
One thing I learned throughout the process of meeting and interacting with people is that they appreciate small things. Out of everything that I was known for in my interactions with people, the one that I heard feedback on the most was how many people I knew at Bryan. The second was how I would go out of my way to talk to people as they went on their way to wherever they were going.
If you walk with them for a few moments to talk with them—not needing or asking anything from them, but rather just asking about their day, classes, and interests—they may not remember that an hour later, but it will mean something to them.
If you set aside time and dedicate it entirely to hanging out with that person, spending it however they want, talking about what they are excited about or furious about, they may forget the entire occasion by the next week, but it will mean something to them.
If you show as much excitement to a person about seeing them after one night as you would after a five-week vacation, they may be caught off guard at first, but it will mean something to them. And in time, they will actually reflect some of that excitement back on you.
And these things are, again, perfectly natural to desire. Just as much as you would do it for your friend, you deserve it from yours. In fact, humans are created to appreciate others and express gratitude, and the joy and momentary pleasure of experiencing or receiving a gift or kind gesture is the spark to gratitude, which in turn forms another link in the inseparable bond of friendship.
Lesson IV: Friends Are Different
The final and probably least considered thing about making friends is the very dynamic nature of a friend. First of all, a person can have more than one friend that would be considered a “best friend”—a term with so many pitfalls that I wish it could be avoided altogether. Because people are different, every healthy friendship is also different and should fill a slightly different part of your life.
A roommate can be a very good friend to hang out with, room with, and even talk late into the night with, but may not be the person you share your spiritual struggles and journey with.
A friend can be the kind of friend who shares every crazy adventure under the sun with you but might make a terrible roommate.
A friend that you share your most personal struggles, secrets, and desires with may not like to do the same things as you do.
I know a friend who is an amazing friend when they are present, but who is not reliable or consistent.
I know a friend who sat with me through one of my darkest hours, but who spends very little time with me because our lives are just that different.
I have a friend who I would trust more than any other with my spiritual growth, but who also lives a life so separate from mine that I miss him all the time even though I used to see him nearly every day.
And one day I will marry a woman who will be all of those things and yet will be so different from all of them that each of them will still have an irreplaceable role in making me the person that God has placed in this body.
Final Exam
The same things that you, as a person loving as God would love, do for others, are also things that you, as a person bearing God’s Image, need in order to thrive as a human.
Even though a friend will show kindness, showing kindness is not a way to distinguish a friend. Kindness will also look slightly different and noticeably more genuine from a friend than it will from an acquaintance.
Make everyone you meet feel like royalty. the smallest things make the most impact on people.
Not all friends are the same. Don’t feel guilty for having different friends, and for wanting to spend more time or invest more in one more than others at a given time. You probably have a spiritual or emotional need that this particular friend will meet.
God created us to live and love in community. However, in a world that lives so quickly and relies on the surface-level impression of the world, it is important to nurture yourself with good communion and brotherly love shared with others, because without this, we cannot remain in any condition to continue serving others as He has called us to do.
In the next issue, I’ll tell you a little bit about a couple of people who, in different ways, became my dearest friends.